Happy Monday! ...or maybe, happy that Monday is almost over!

I know I said I was going to blog Survivor next, but I've decided to wait until after this week's episode, because some craziness is supposed to go down at the Favorites camp. Put a Hantz on the island, expect pandemonium. But, I digress.

Anyway, today I've decided to post a little teaser! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to get my book onto Amazon in 2-3 weeks. It will be here before I know it! And so...I present to you the first chapter of Hearts Don't Break Quietly. You can let me know if you like it, or if you think it sucks. I just love feedback of any kind, and I've developed a pretty thick skin over the past few years!

When I was five, I’d come home to find a stack of twenties on my mother’s bedside table and a strange man in her bedroom. Nothing was ever the same after that.

I tried my best to focus on the silver haired woman standing in front of me, the craggy lines of her face sunken in around her eyes and mouth. She looked like somebody’s sweet old granny. Just goes to show that appearances could be deceiving, I guess. Because, sweet? She was more like satan. I decided to beg anyway. It was the only thing I had left.

“Please, Mrs. Golden. This is all I have right now.” I pulled a wad of crumpled cash from my apron pocket. “It’s everything I made today, okay? I work a double tomorrow, and I’ll give you whatever I make then, too.”

She sighed as she counted out the money, clicking her tongue against her teeth as one dollar bills slipped from one sandpaper hand to the other.

The sounds she was making made me want to smash my head into the ugly mustard colored walls around me, and the apartment behind her was so foul smelling it made my nose itch. It reeked of soured food and must. Her pet birds cawed in their cages, flapping their wings as they bounced around. 

“This is only forty-seven dollars, Audrey. Your mother owes me over a thousand! It would take you years to work it off at this pace.” She shook her head. “That woman should be ashamed of herself. Sending you to work at that restaurant all hours with her out doing God knows who—“She stopped, studying my face.

            I chewed on my lower lip and shuffled my feet back and forth on the thinning carpet. Ignoring what she said about Mama, my mind spun, trying to come up with something, anything, that would hold her off just a little while longer.

            “Mrs. Golden, please. I’ll get the money somehow. Just… don’t kick us out. We don’t have anywhere else to go.” I looked anywhere but at the old lady’s face. Embarrassment flamed on my cheeks.

            Mrs. Golden hesitated, closing her eyes and putting her hand on her forehead. Finally, she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Audrey. It’s not my problem. I have to have the money. You have until Friday.” She backed into her apartment and closed the door.

I blinked at the cheap brown wood that seemed to taunt me. I didn’t feel like I could move. I could barely breathe. A lot of shitty things had happened lately, but at least it had been somewhat bearable. But this? It made me feel helpless and angry, because there was nothing I could do to stop the whole world from crashing down around my toes.

            I tried to calm myself down by taking a few deep breaths, but it didn’t work very well. I had to prepare myself to face my sisters. They would know something was wrong in a millisecond if I didn’t pull it off just right. I raised my eyes to the ceiling, wondering if I should try to pray, but the thought left my mind almost as soon as it had entered it. If there was any higher power, he’d never been any help before. What would make now any different?

 No, I would do it on my own. I always had anyway. My blood turned to steel in my veins and my mouth sat firm as I forced myself back into the armor I normally hid behind. Turning, I headed for the staircase. It only took a few seconds for me to climb the drafty old stairs and trudge to the door of our one bedroom apartment. I inserted my key into the lock and pushed, the door groaning as it moved forward. Piece of crap.

            The plain white walls seemed to mock me, just as the door had, as I entered the bare living room and looked around. Our one worn out couch stood forlornly in the center of the floor. That was the only piece of furniture we had. All of my money went to the electricity and food, there was nothing for anything else. And Mama’s money…I didn’t want to think about it, any of it. Not the powder she sucked up her nose or the needles she stuck in her arms. They revolved through my mind anyway, pictures of her sunken in eyes and glazed over looks, the result of many drug induced sleepless nights. Before anybody could see me, I ran to the bathroom.

            The door slammed harder than anticipated, making me even more jumpy. I gripped the porcelain sink as I looked down, taking deep breaths until my smile felt like it could look real. Finally able to muster up the strength, I raised my head. What I saw only made me want to turn away, fast, and the cracks in the mirror seemed to magnify it by a thousand. My thick chocolate colored hair, which used to be my best feature, hung in greasy strands around my face. I was too thin. My big brown eyes looked buggy in the pale face looking back at me. Somebody who didn’t know me would have thought I was strung out, at best. If they saw me and Mama together, they would probably think the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

It was still amazing to me that Zach Cochran had even asked me out. The name made me pause, my mind wandering to the leather jacket wearing pretty boy in my homeroom class. Zach hated that he was so good looking. He was extra tough to make up for it. Which was probably why he had asked me out in the first place. I sure looked like I was into guys who were tough, even though they kind of scared me. Oh well. He was hot and I needed something to get my mind off of my shitty life. Besides, the thought of me having a boyfriend at all would be enough to make Mama blow steam out of her ears. I didn’t care. She deserved it.

            Gulping, I smiled, even though I didn’t want to. I smiled so hard my cheeks ached. When it looked halfway natural, I opened the bathroom door.

            “Hey.”

            A voice came from the bedroom, and I whipped around. My youngest sister, Sadie, was sitting on Mama’s air mattress. She held a notebook and pencil, but a quick glance at the blank paper told me she hadn’t been working on anything.

            “Hey kiddo.” I said, walking in and sitting down beside her. My voice sounded normal at least. “Where’s Sierra?”

            Sadie rolled her eyes. “Don’t call me kiddo. I’m only two damn years younger than you. And she went to look for a job.”

            It felt like my eyebrows shot up to the top of my forehead as my chest tightened. The fact that Sierra was looking for work got me worked up so fast I hadn’t even noticed Sadie had used a curse word.

 “What? Why? I told her to quit worrying about it. We’ll be fine.” Hopefully my sister wouldn’t pick up on my frustration, but it was hard to keep my voice from thinning.

            “We know, Audrey.” Sadie looked around the empty bedroom, decorated with only the air mattress and a three legged bedside table that held a tattered picture of me and my sisters. “But I mean, it’s not like we couldn’t use some extra money or anything.”

            Dried ketchup and mustard painted the apron tied around my waist, and I picked at it, watching a few flakes fall to the floor. I could barely make enough to keep the water turned on, and we were pretty much eating crackers and spam every day. The lights were still on, for now at least. But none of that mattered, because we were about to lose the roof over our heads.

            My nails picked at the apron more furiously. Mama could whore herself out for drug money, but she couldn’t care less that her kids were dirty and starving. One day it would be different though. Eighteen wasn’t that far away, and I was getting the hell out of here…but Sadie and Sierra had a few more years after me, and I wasn’t sure I could leave them behind. My mind wondered to whether or not Mama would have me arrested if I took them with me. Probably not. It wasn’t like she cared all that much about any of us.

            “I might just have to go and get a second job, that’s all.” The thought made my heart beat faster and my fists clench, but no way was I letting Sadie and Sierra jobs and have to worry with school and work. No way.

            My lips pursed together and my shaking hands burrowed into my lap, hiding. Hopefully I looked calm, for my sister’s benefit. It almost felt like she could see straight through my skin to my insides churning with worry.

            “You can’t do that.” She stared at me, but my eyes refused to meet hers.

            “Sure I can.” Keep your voice above a whisper, Audrey. Make her believe everything is going to be alright.

            “But Audrey, you would have to drop out of school to do that. You only have a few months until graduation.” Sadie’s mouth hung open, and I wondered how hard it was for her not to say what I was sure she was really thinking. That I was being a stubborn ass and sacrificing myself. Again.

            My sister twisted her hands together as I shook my head. When she was little, she would do it so much her skin would become raw and start to crack. She could try to be tough all she wanted, but that was a sure sign that she was more worried than angry.

            “It doesn’t matter. I’ll just get my GED, it’s no big deal. Sierra doesn’t need to get a job. You guys need to concentrate on getting good grades so you can try and get a scholarship when you get done. It’s too late for me to do that. It’s my job to take care of y’all now.”

            “No, it’s Mama’s job to take care of us, and she sucks at it. Like, major.”A sour voice spoke up from behind us, causing Sadie and me both to jump.

            Great. Sierra was home. I looked over my shoulder, and there she was. Leaning in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest, the same disgusted look on her face as always.

            “Hey, sis.” I forced my lips upward into a smile.

            All I got in return was an eye roll. “Whatever.”

            Sadie leaned forward. “How’d it go? Did you find anything?”

            “No.” Sierra sighed as she flopped onto the mattress with us, her corn silk hair brushing against me as she landed. “Nobody will hire me because I don’t have any job experience. Idiots.” She looked down and started picking her nails. There wasn’t much to pick—she’d already bitten them down to the quick.

            “Duh.” I couldn’t help it. It slipped.

            “Well how are you supposed to get job experience if they won’t hire you for your first job because you don’t have any? It makes no sense.”

            Both my sisters avoided my gaze. I swallowed hard and raked my fingers through my dirty hair, trying to figure out how to reassure them. Not to mention myself.

            “Guys…I know things have sucked around here lately.”

            “Lately? Try forever.” Sadie cut in, her tone edging on angry. I chose to ignore her and continue.

            “I know things aren’t the best around here. But we’re going to be okay. It could be a lot worse.”

            “How?” Sadie spoke up again. She was scrubbing her hand against her cheeks, trying to wipe away the tears rolling down them. The sight of it made my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. My breath caught in my throat, but my head forced the words out.

            “We could be on the streets.” Mrs. Golden’s image splashed into my mind. I didn’t have a clue how to get the money we needed. My entire body seemed numb from hopelessness, but I had to figure something out. All I wanted was to spare my sisters that same feeling, just for a little while longer.

            “Yeah. Maybe.” Sadie wiped her hand across her face and sniffled as she tried to come back from the moment of vulnerability she’d let come to the surface. Her eyes were giving her away, though. The sadness was all but pouring out of them.

            Sierra didn’t say a word. She was more intuitive than Sadie, and she was probably onto my act. Hell, I was having trouble convincing myself. Why should they believe me?

            I cleared my throat. “So, no more self-pity, okay? We’ll be alright. After all, we’re together, aren’t we?”

            “Til Mama sells us to the highest bidder.” Sierra mumbled. She probably didn’t think anybody heard her. Sadie let loose an audible gasp.

            “Sierra.” My teeth ground together. “Don’t ever say anything like that again.”

            “You don’t think she’d go there if she wanted her stupid crack bad enough? Grow up, Audrey.”

            My mouth opened to yell at her, but someone knocked at the door, causing us all to look in that direction. Frowning, I prayed silently it wouldn’t be Mrs. Golden. The last thing I needed right now was for my sisters to hear that we were going to get evicted. Given some time, I could maybe fix it somehow.

My stomach lurched as I walked to the door on wooden legs. The air in the room seemed to close in on me, a knot forming in my stomach, knowing this couldn’t be good. Nobody ever came here.

            “I hope that isn’t anybody we don’t want it to be.” Sierra muttered. It was a wonder I was able to keep walking instead of smacking her. I knew she was thinking of Mama’s…customers. She needed to shut it, though, before she got her hair yanked out of her head. She was going to make Sadie even more jumpy than she already was.

            “I guess we’re about to see.” My voice came out terse as I turned the knob and pulled the door open.

            An unfamiliar woman was standing in front of me, flanked by two police officers. I took in the sight of her black suit and the tight bun pulling her hair back from her face. She clutched a briefcase in her left hand and a clipboard in her right. I knew this couldn’t be anything good. Did Mrs. Golden already call the cops on us? I thought we had until Friday!

            “Hi. May I help you?” My tone was polite, but my insides felt razor sharp. A little voice screamed inside of me as I stared at the woman. Panic was starting to set in.

            “Are you the Emerson children?” The stranger asked. She looked at the papers on her clipboard. “Audrey, seventeen. Sierra, sixteen. Sadie, fifteen.” Her blue eyes flashed back toward me and I couldn’t help but notice how emotionless they were. They were as blank as the expression on her face.

            There was scuffling behind me. My sisters stood there, hanging onto every word. My legs felt like noodles and the thought that I might collapse entered my mind, but I forced myself to be steady. I looked at the policemen. The older man was looking at me, his kind face wrinkled around his mouth and forehead. The younger one avoided my gaze entirely.

            “Yes ma’am. That’s us.”

            “Is your father here?”

            Father? Ha. We didn’t know who our fathers were. And we were pretty sure they were three different men, since we didn’t look one bit alike. Plus, our mother wasn’t exactly known for playing hard to get. It was pretty much a given.

            “We don’t know where our father is.” I couldn’t help but put a sarcastic infliction on the word.

            The woman didn’t even blink. “I see. When’s the last time you knew where he was?”

            My brain screamed at me to lie and warning sounds blared in my head, thumping so hard it felt like my brain was moving. I tried to think of something to tell her, but rational thought failed me. Besides, if this no-nonsense woman was all of a sudden at our door asking these questions, my hunch was she already knew the answers. I knew I could be a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them.

            “A while.” I told her, holding her gaze. My hands were shaking again, so I crossed my arms to hide them.

            She looked past me to Sadie and Sierra, and her face softened a bit as she saw them dressed in jeans and t-shirts that looked every bit as old as they were. The woman sighed.

            “My name is Mrs. Anderson, girls. I work for the state of Alabama Department of Child Services.” She paused for a second before motioning toward the police officers. “This is Officer Cane,” she said, pointing to the older man. Her finger flicked toward the younger officer. “And this is Officer Wilder.”

            “Hello, girls.” Officer Cane cleared his throat. “We…do you have somewhere we could sit down?”

            I glanced toward the ratty sofa. “Not really. Why?” Cold sweat covered my face and hands. I wished they would just tell us the inevitable news and leave. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d had to get Mama out of jail, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last.

            Officer Cane looked at his partner, but Officer Wilder looked like he was about to hurl. He must have been new on the job. Poor schmuck. The older man met my eyes, his unwavering. “Well, I’m afraid we have some bad news. Your mother…I’m sorry to have to tell you that she’s dead.”