Well, here I am again. Blogging once per month. I'm sorry. I really want to maintain this blog really well, because I enjoy doing it, and because one day, hopefully lol, my book(s) will be published and I want to be able to speak to whatever audience I might have.
These days though, everything seems so hard. My 4 year old is going through a very trying phase. She's stubborn, and she's pushing my limits every chance she gets. I've tried everything I know to make it stop, and I'm at a complete loss at what to do next. I know kids will be kids, and I know it's likely to be over soon, but I want it to stop now!
I feel like I have no time to breathe. I'm going to be completely honest, there are days when I want to sit down and cry. I've had zero time to write, which is such a huge creative outlet for me, so not being able to do that leaves me feeling very stifled. I'm under a time crunch to finish a blanket I'm crocheting for my new little neice, and I have to have it finished by this weekend. So not enough time. Work has been super busy--I've been given many new responsibilities over the past couple months and I'm constantly running. The main thing though, is that it seems like my husband is NEVER home anymore during the week. He leaves the house at around 7 and doesn't get home at night until 8 or 9 a lot of the time. I take the girls to daycare. I pick them up. I take them to dance class when they go, which right now is two nights a week. I give them their bath, feed them, read to them, put them in bed at night. There are so many nights lately that I'm doing this by myself. I'm so tired of calling him and asking, "should I go ahead and feed the kids, or will you be home" or telling them when they go to sleep, "Daddy will come in and kiss you when he gets here, I'm sorry you didn't get to see him tonight." It's not fun.
But I take a deep breath. And then I remember. I remember that there are so, so many single parents out there who do it every day all day alone. When my husband is here, he is beyond wonderful. And the reason he's not here is because, pardon my language, he's working his ass off to give the girls and I everything we need, and most of what we want. He's not out at a bar drinking, he's not running off to have guys night. He's not home because he's working, and he's securing our future.
Everytime I get frustrated because I feel so weighed down by all of my responsibilities, I try to remember all of the blessings I have. We have a home, a nice car, we both have good jobs, and our children are well taken care of every day by people we trust beyond measure.
My girls are healthy, and happy, and even though they have their moments when they push the boundries, especially my youngest right now, they're still good kids.
And my husband. We've been married 6 years now, together for 10. And I know it sounds cliche, and cheesy, and whatever else, but we're still just as much in love as the summer we met. I knew right away with him. I'd been through a lot of ups and downs throughout my romantic history. I never felt pretty enough, or special enough when it came to guys. But with Jacob, it was never, ever like that. From the moment he hugged me, and kissed me, I was his. He truly had me at hello.
And to this day, every day, he makes me love him even more. There are so many little things that people overlook, but I try and pay close attention because those are the things that make you feel special. Like the other night after the girls were asleep, when he wanted to play a video game, and the Wii was hooked up in our bedroom. Instead of just going in and playing his game, leaving me to watch TV in the living room or whatever, he asked what I was going to do for the rest of the night. When I said I didn't know, he said he thought maybe I could come in our room and read while he played Call of Duty (I know, I know, he's a man-boy, but I love him for it). The point is, it was just so we could be in the same room. He only would have been down the hall, but he wanted me to come in so we could be together, even though we weren't even talking.
Or like yesterday, when my shoulders were so sore, and I'd barely done more than mention it in passing, but he noticed and rubbed my shoulders for me. It's the times he brings me home a little snack, like BBQ flavored sunflower seeds, which I LOVE, just because he saw them and thought of me.
I'm so incredibly lucky to have a husband who loves me so much. I realize this every day, and even though there are times, like tonight, when I feel alone and frustrated, that knowledge keeps me going. Because one day things won't be so hard. But I'll still have Jacob. And we'll still have a strong marriage. And everything will be okay.
Short book news, because I'm trying not to get too excited about this part. I'd sent out some queries back in January. Not many, just a handful. I'd gotten one no, and I thought the other two were a "no response means no." Well, imagine my surprise last week when an e-mail came from one of the agents asking to see the first few chapters. So, I have a partial floating around out there in agent land. Until I hear an answer about that, I owe it to myself and to the agent to hold off on self-pubbing. But I promise, one day Hearts Don't Break Quietly will be availble for purchase! One way or the other!
Ryann
